Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize