I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
