this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
