He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
