My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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