I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
