Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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