I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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