none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
