I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
