I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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