pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
