i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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