hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
