you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
