he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
