Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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