Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
time to smoke my breakfast
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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