he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
