Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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