SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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