Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
