The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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