And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
