I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
