A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize