my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
