the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize