honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
