nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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