My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
