Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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