If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
