I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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