Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
