I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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