Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
