Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
