I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
