His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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