i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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