Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
