the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize