I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
