Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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