I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
