I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
COCAINE IS GR8
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
