I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
