The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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