he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
