Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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