We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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