Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
