I CAN MOONWALK!
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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