Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
