my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
3 2 1 whiskey
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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