he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
