what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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