I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
