I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I have already put on my inside pants.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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